it's two am

and some of the lights in the bank across the street are still on. i wonder if someone is still in there, number crunching or whatever trying to get their work done.

this is my last night in the dorms. my desk is sticky with amaretto (and the floor is too). my room still smells like bleach, it's a nice little contradiction.

i don't know how i feel about going home. i've obviously missed it, but i think i'm gonna miss isu.

it's a shame i didn't branch out earlier. the people here are very nice.

it sounds like waves up here

once i thought there was a skylounge in my dorm building. i took an adventure up to the eighteenth floor. i can say it was an adventure because we had to do some walking. it was just really a tiny little bit of walking. we had to take the elevator up to the seventeenth floor (the highest floor offered) and then take the stairs up to the eighteenth floor.

at the time, it didn't seem like much. it was just a U shaped hallway with a few doors. we were not impressed. we left shortly after arriving.

today i found out that there is an actual lounge on the eighteenth floor. i'm here now. all you have to do is open a door. and that is how it came to be that i am in the skylounge. although, i don't know that anyone else calls it the skylounge.

anyway, yeah, it's really high up and some of the windows are open. the sound of the wind going past reminds me of waves. it's really soothing, aside from the fact that it's quite cold up here.

in other news i have eight days left at school until i can go home. i'm really excited. i'm not feeling very motivated right now, which is just so unfortunate considering finals begin next week.

it's good, though, that today i was feeling very productive. i even decided to forgo seeing improv mafia tonight, although i really wanted to. i finished writing my synthesis paper and i finished my com portfolio.

i also spent like three hours today at the coffeehouse. i forgot how much i really liked that place.

when i'm at home i feel so cramped in, but here i have so many places i can go. i don't have a skylounge at home, or a study lounge or a coffeehouse. which stinks, but there's not much i can do. it's really too bad that it's too cold for me to tolerate outside. maybe in the spring it will be better.

eight days never seemed so long.

all this time, i've been banking on second semester. why? it's almost here and i don't know how to feel. did i waste my time with wanting? it was going to come eventually, why did i worry about it so much?

i wonder how much different it will be. i've resolved to be more open and make more friends, but why the hell didn't i do that when i first got here?

i'll tell you, i'm a mystery to even myself sometimes.

well now i'm back home. it's great, i think. it's weird, being around my family again. i feel like almost a different person, i guess. i saw so many of my jazz friends last night, and that was nice. i missed them. i missed their parents! i did not know that i would miss their parents! but i did!

i missed the paynes! and i missed mrs hasse! and i definitely missed the montagues, but they weren't there to begin with. that was quite an odd feeling.

i felt like i was entering a different world last night. i don't know. like i've been saying, i'm still the same person, but i guess being away has given me the opportunity to step back and take it all into perspective.

the first thing i did when i got home was to brew myself a pot of coffee. that was so nice for me. i really miss making my own coffee. i actually miss coffee in general, i guess. yesterday, friday, my sister took me and angelica out to kuma's korner for lunch. the wait was one and half hours, so we went to the burger king down the street for a liner.

i almost regret going to bk, although i was so hungry i could have barfed. but i didn't even get to enjoy my burger there. which, i mean, no big deal. i ate it for lunch today. i'd probably go back.

i missed angelica too.

it feels so weird to be home. when i start thinking that i get to be here for another week i get this weird feeling in my stomach. i think i'm antsy.

i also cannot wait for clara to come back. i'm literally pissing my pants with excitement (okay not literally... maybe)

ugh i wish i could get my iphone to sync right so i could put up some pictures. maybe some other time.

i am so emotional lately. i can't stop myself from welling up today. i honestly must have started crying like, five times today. i've only been awake for five hours.

what the heck is going on?

i am dead tired, but i thought i should write this down before i forgot it all completely.

tonight was a blast.

i went to the acafellaz concert with carrie. we both enjoyed ourselves thoroughly. afterward, we headed the the coffeehouse to get something to drink. apparently, there was some sort of rock show going on. anyways, we had the coffee outside on the porch. it was just beautiful out.

a little after that, we decided to have a cigar together. so we did. we came back to the coffeehouse to smoke, but they took the patio seating away. we just stood outside the window and watched the show outside. it was a little ridiculous.

we drove around for a while after that. i tell you, bloomington is so suburban. at times i felt like i was driving around evanston or kennilworth. it made me feel homesick for i place i've never even lived.

we drove for about an hour. it was really nice. we talked about a lot of nice things. how we're both ready start dating again.

it was just a really nice night. i know i'm missing out on a lot of things.

well, here's one thing, i guess. tonight was one of the first nights i felt like i could really be an adult. it made me feel like i'm on my way, or whatever. i don't know. i know i shouldn't rush it. but it's nice to know that i am capable of being a civilized human being once in a while.

how is it that every single musical i've ever listened to makes me want to cry? that's not right.

anyways, i guess this is more of a pick-up update than an actual update.

carrie, brittany and i walked past this handmade soap shop earlier today. oh, you should have smelled it. it was the most glorious thing my nose has ever smelt. thank god for hand made soaps, i say.

anyways. i think today is the first day i've worn contacts and makeup in about a month in a half. it feels kind of nice.

i had a master class. it's kind of like a mock-up recital. i got a lot of compliments on my outfit. today was a bit of a confidence boost.

i say anyways a lot. and i do believe the more accurate thing to say would be "anyway". it's probably best that i just not say it at all. but, you know, old habits die hard, yada yada yada.

i wrote letters to the majority of my good friends this week. it felt really good. it's just really satisfying to drop that letter in the mailbox. i don't know, i've never really written letters before.

i wonder if i'm any different than i was before i got here. i mean, of course some things have changed. but i wonder if people will hang out with me and think to themselves, "wow she has really matured" or "wow she's more funny/aware/awkward/bitchy now"

like i said before. i feel the same. i still don't know so many things. i'm still kind of ridiculous.

well, i mean. i'm totally ridiculous.

yesterday i met this girl who was basically the same as me. she drove me bats. but really, she was essentially my personality twin. i wonder if i piss people off as much as she pissed me off. it might have been that we were just to similar. i mean, for christ's sake, we were wearing the same color!

it's hard to compete, you know.

i have such an intense craving for a subway pizza right now. and yes, subway does make pizzas. i remember the first time i had one, it was actually a slice of carrie's. hers had banana peppers on them. at first i didn't like banana peppers at all, but right now, i want nothing more than a pizza covered in banana peppers. like, every single inch has to have a banana pepper on it, or i no longer want it.

what good is a pizza without banana peppers?

who fuckin knows.

anyways, i am so super stoked on going home this weekend. who even says stoked anymore? i guess that's how excited i am.

and i'm excited for allie to come down and see isu.

it just hit me that i'm in college. i don't really know what that means. i don't feel any different. i'm as immature and strange as i was a year ago. i don't really know.

one thing that's different: i spend time in coffee shops now. like, legit, i'm probably in one for a couple hours every other day. i spend more time in coffee shops than i do in physics class.

and by the way, i think i've decided that i'm never going to physics again. although, maybe that's not such a good idea. i mean, i don't think i've been there for over two weeks. that figure sounds right.

why is pressing the shift bar such an issue for me?

the world will never know